SPAM-Bots or Crack-Pots? – Mk2

I’ve been offline for a few months now and my SPAM-Filter is well and truly clogged. These buggers really do keep coming thick & faPAM-Bots caught in a webst don’t they? I’m not normally one to repeat myself. I’m not normally one to repeat myself. Quite an echo in here today…today…today. But since my last post about SPAM comments I just couldn’t resist another salvo of retortiveness. Yes it’s a real word, one I’ve just made up I grant you, but a real word nonetheless. One worthy of it’s place in any dictionary, but especially the DV dictionary of b*ll*cks phrases. To respond to utter garbled questions/points or comments using withering sarcasm. Yes I know it’s the lowest form of wit, but what can I do, I was raised on the stuff…

Like my previous post, the original spam comments are in blue and my responses follow in black. For those of you who might be listening in black & white – the spam comments are the bulleted ones: 

  • These are the most beautiful body and requires special care to ensure that the message will reach the heart of love through your eyes.

Are you coming on to me? No seriously, are you? – I’m not very good at reading the signals. But, I’m married anyway, so F**k off!

  • Do you know that you do not need a DIET to LOSE WEIGHT?

Of course I do – Amputation’s the answer right? BTW, have you seen my profile photo – I don’t need to LOSE WEIGHT, so F*ck off!

  • The Specifics of Military Loans with No Credit Check – There can be a few items that you ought
    to be alert to should you anticipate pursuing a no credit assessment loan as being a military
    member my website in order to acquire different offers from loan lenders on automobile loans for low credit score holders
    usually requires lots of effort.

Hmm – I’ve got short hair (OK – NO hair, don’t push it), but I’ve never been in the military. And my credit score is my business, so F*ck off!

  • Though it is a less common method of removing hair at skin’s surface,
    some consumers find it primarily useful for fine
    hair on legs. m beginning to sound like an informercial but the claims are that there really are things you can do
    that can help get that youthful jawline and line free forehead
    back. It is by far my favorite health and beauty
    product ever, hands down.

Have you not seen my gorgeous fizzog on my profile picture. I have the jawline and wrinkle-free forehead of a 5 year old (5 year old corpse that is). You’ve got me on the fine hair on my legs though. Wait a minute, are you the pervert that’s spying on me in the shower at the gym – thought so – F*ck off!

  • The Bluetooth audio beanie is no longer a simple beanie hat and no more a simple Bluetooth beanie, it’s a magic beanie which can take phone calls and playing music, it’s well deserved to you.

Cheers, I could do with a magic-beanie-hat telephone receptionist. When are you sending it to “well deserved” me? What do you mean you’re not! – F*ck off then.

  • But they’ve very less threshold for clicks as a result of
    “mistakes”. If Yahoo Plus 1 is usually to Facebook’s “Like”, then Google Plus itself is to Facebook itself;
    this can be Google’s response to the myspace or facebook.
    There are a few great breakthroughs which will soon be accessible through
    Google Plus inside the future.

Say what now?! …WHAT-EVER Dude…

  • CоacҺ mercer bangle watch Νow, I realize most of you did not read ɗiwn here simply tߋ hear that, so i wqnt
    to elaborate a bit.Dark colors about the walls usually tend to give the room
    a ϲlosed in, smaller look

Coach mercer can f*ck off and take his bangle watch and stick it where the sun don’t shine. That’s right – Ipswich… ah, that’s where I’ve been going wrong, shan’t be using those dark crayons on the walls of my padded cell any longer – it’s small enough already.

Have a great weekend folks.

DV

 

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On The Move

hand-truck-564242_1280

In my last blog post, I alluded to the fact that I was considering moving my blog/site away from wordpress.com to a self hosted alternative. With any luck this move will take place before my next scheduled post is published (Fri 17th April).  My intention is to try and make sure that the look and feel of my site is unaltered. But, I do intend to give the whole thing a good shake and a complete overhaul in time. Indeed this was one of the main drivers behind the move.

Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that “Likes” (for Posts & Pages)  can not be migrated. So, if you’ve “Liked” any of my previous posts or pages, those “Likes” will soon disappear. I would like to stress that this is not a personal slight, but merely an unfortunate technical side-effect of the move. I will endeavour to find an alternative “Like” solution. So, watch this space as always.

Until the next time – Onwards & Upwards,

DV

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Back In The Saddle – Again…

BackintheSaddle

Again…(Ab)Normal service to be resumed Soon(ish)

The last few months of 2014 was one big shit-storm for me and my family. Which resulted in the-wheels-sorta falling-off-my-bus and to say that I lost my mojo/motivation, would be a gross understatement.

It’s now a New Year and it’s also Spring (my favourite Season), I’m ready to pick myself up, dust myself down and start the onward & upwards march of life again.  I’ve recently started working on the21st Century Verse” anthology again. By the end of this month, if everything goes to plan, I should be posting on this blog in my usual semi-regular hap-hazard way and will provide an update on the publication date for the 21st Century Verse book.

I’ve also decided that it’s time to move my blog/website away from WordPress.com and on to a self-hosted platform. The move will happen, as soon as I’ve selected a hosting company and worked out the technical aspects. I’m hopeful that this move will not result in any “down-time”, but can’t be 100% positive that a glitch in visibility won’t occur.

Have a great weekend folks.

DV

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Announcement

closed

Following the death of a close family member, I’m putting my blogging and publishing projects on-hold temporarily and until further notice.

I apologize to all of you whose poems I’ve shortlisted for inclusion in 21st Century Verse. This book will be published, but most likely not until the new year now. I promise I will be in touch, when I pick things up again. Your patience and understanding is appreciated.

DV

Posted in About, News, Poetry, Readers Writes, Tap Publishing UK, TAPP Books, Uncategorized | Tagged | 1 Comment

All Said & Done – Anniversary Post

All Said & Done is 2 years old today!! To celebrate, both the Kindle & print versions will be reduced in price on Amazon for the next 7 Days! So get-in quick and grab a bargain.PDF-FrontCover

The rest of this post is a bit of a departure for me – in that it is somewhat on the long side, or at least not as short as they usually are. It’s also a tad more serious than my standard output.

As it’s the second anniversary of the publication date of All Said & Done, I’ve decided that this would be a good opportunity to share with the world an article that I wrote for The National Autistic Society (the NAS) to explain why I’d produced the book in the first place. So, here you go:

Why I came to be a supporter of The NAS

My wife and I always thought our son was ‘different’ and it was obvious that certain aspects of his development were delayed compared with his peers. But it was equally apparent to us that he had intelligence and abilities that were unique.

He started school, not long after his sister was born. He found the changes difficult (massive understatement!!). Consequently, his behaviour deteriorated significantly and our home-life became unsettled.

I can’t remember whether it was a family member or his teacher that mentioned he had ‘autistic traits’. But it sparked an internet search, which lead us to the NAS website. That was a Damascene moment. We found a wealth of salient information and advice, better than anything proffered by the myriad of professionals we’d encountered before or since.

Based on what we read on the NAS website, we quickly came to the conclusion that our son had Asperger Syndrome. An official diagnosis, which came to the same conclusion, followed several months later. It was 2004, and my son was aged 5 at the time. I’ve been a supporter of the NAS ever since.

As well as standing in the street rattling a collection tin, I’ve taken on a number of challenges to raise funds for the NAS over the years. In 2004, I ran the Loch Ness marathon (my first ever marathon). In 2006 I trekked through the Atlas Mountains in Morocco and in 2010 I ran the London marathon.

If you’ve ever considered an active challenge, then my advice is to go for it. They’re character building, provide an unbeatable opportunity to meet great people and have some unforgettable experiences. You can find out more about what’s available through the NAS, by viewing their challenge events on the NAS Get Active page – http://www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/raise-money/get-active.aspx

Why I decided to produce a book of poetry

I found London very tough, mainly because injury had hampered my training. I’ve since been diagnosed with arthritis in my knees and running is becoming increasingly uncomfortable. So, I’ve come to the realisation, that if I want to raise money for charity, I should probably do something different i.e. “less physical”.

Because 2012 was the NAS’ 50th anniversary year, it seemed an appropriate time to decide what something different meant. But I didn’t really have much time to think about it until fate intervened…

In the Spring of 2012, I had a nasty case of vertigo, brought on by an ear infection. I had to have several weeks off work. During this time, any activity involving movement of the head or using my eyes, made me feel very sick/dizzy. I was therefore only able to watch TV, use a PC, read or drive for short periods.

So, I spent a lot of time listening to my CD’s. Many of which I hadn’t heard for years, including some by performance poets – John Cooper Clarke, John Hegley, Attila The Stockbroker and Murray Lachlan Young [I didn’t realise at the time that Attila and Murray would later agree to include poems in the book]. It’s these CD’s that sparked the brainwave to use poetry for fundraising.

My initial idea was to produce a poetry chap-book, to sell locally to friends, relatives and work colleagues. When I was able to use a PC again, I sent out some emails to ask people I knew if they would be willing to contribute some poems. The responses were all very supportive. Some even made suggestions of others that I might like to approach. So I did, and before long I had enough material for several chap-books.

How the book developed

I wanted to use humorous poems (light verse) to paint a picture of modern life. I didn’t intend to relate the poems with autism. However, I realised that the subject matter of some of the short-listed poems, had a clear link with the issues faced by autistic people. This realisation changed my focus and I decided to include works by autistic poets. What’s more, I felt certain that with a bit more work, a full blown book would be a better prospect.

Encouraged by early responses, I approached some well known poets for permissions. To my surprise the vast majority agreed, including: Donna Williams, Wendy Lawson, Wendy Cope, Murray Lachlan Young, Attila The Stockbroker, John Whitworth, Charles Ghigna and Julie Kane.

I kicked around lots of ways to organize the poems in the book along with several different titles. One thing that kept coming to mind was the triad of impairments. This eventually inspired the traffic light graphics, cover design and the concept of splitting the book into 3 sections – each having relevance to one of the triad of impairments i.e:

  1. All – Social & Emotional
    • Relationships / Romance
    • School / College / Work
    • Fashion / Identity
  1. Said – Language & Communication
    • Body language / Eye contact
    • Use of words/meaning
    • Cliché
    • Grammar
  1. Done – Flexibility of thought
    • Routine / change
    • Travel
    • Sensory Issues
    • Empathy
    • Special interests / IT

In the end I chose most of the poems, simply because they made me laugh. But, I also included some more poignant and thought provoking pieces like “What I learned at School” by Melinda Smith, which brought a lump to my throat the first time I read it. One thing that all the poems have in common is that they’re well written.

The End Result

Producing the book was a bit like learning a new language. It took more than 6 months and I had to get to grips with new terminology and several pieces of unfamiliar software.

The end result is a unique 130+ page book, containing works by poets from all over the world, including: the UK, Australia, Canada, New Zealand and the USA.

I’ve received several emails from people, telling me how much they’ve enjoyed reading the book. When you combine that with the fact that every sale raises money for the NAS – it gives me as good a feeling as crossing the finish-line of any marathon.

Would I do it again? – absolutely, I’ve got a set of ISBN numbers to use! In fact 21st Century Verse is a direct attempt by me to finish what I’d started initially – at least in terms of content.

PS – Don’t forget to bag a bargain at Amazon UK or Amazon USA – the clock is ticking…

Posted in About, Comic Verse, Funny Poetry, News, Poetry, Readers Writes, Tap Publishing UK, TAPP Books | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Doodlebug – Triffids

 
 
 Triffids3

 

Posted in Doodlebug, humor, humour | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Tim Minchin

This brilliant video – if I may be allowed to paraphrase Mary Poppins – contains a few of my favourite things :-

  • Performance Poetry
  • Animation
  • Music
  • Humour
  • & kittens in mittens (just kidding about that last one)

I’ve watched Tim perform this on stage, but I think the animation adds a little something extra to the mix.  So, until such time as a Magic, Micro-Minchin, Mannequin Machine is invented, we can all get a dose of Tim’s genius on-tap, by watching this video.

 

Posted in Funny Poetry, humor, humour, Performance Poetry, video | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

SPAM-Bots or Crack-Pots?

SPAM-Bots caught in a webEvery now and then, I have a trawl through the “Comments” that have been snared in this here blog’s SPAM filter. I’m often bemused by the nonsense that is sitting there and wonder where on earth this stuff comes from and whether it is generated by a SPAM-Bot somewhere, or actual human beings. Presumably, if it is the latter, then those individuals must have churned the comments in their mother-tongue through google-translate. Then just dumped the resultant garbage on the internet, with no idea as to what it actually means in English.

I’ve decided to compile some of my favourites into a blog post. Waste-not want-not and all that. The original comments are in blue and I’ve followed them with what would have been my response, if I’d approved the comments, having assumed them to be genuine:

  • Truly, regarding a certain couple of them, We can find not less than 6 different hues. From the quite lower, for the only which is talking to the soil, there exists inflammed (an extremely discolored tone than it). Just a little deeper upwards, we’ve white-colored, which often adorns top of the component of the only real; the particular area for the only receives joins into the shoe’s chief overall body. Atop a segment the location where the toes and fingers enter, together with around the plot the location where the Nike mark generates (and also some other spot on the again in the trainer), now we have magenta. There does exist pink, on this occasion your lighter in weight color from it, inside a repair into the backside of this athletic shoe. After that there exists stained, to the spots the place that the shoe lace cracks have to be identified and also light-blue, which usually shades the two Nike Beat at Nike 6. 0, as well as initial two of shoelaces your dunk comes along with.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your shoelace cracks – they sound very painful, considering how close they are to your dunk. I wouldn’t put your toes and fingers in either, if it’s inflammed, disclolored, stained and spotty. Especially as you’ve had your pink athletic-backside repaired so recently. But do keep talking to the soil and while you’re at it – it’s probably best that you keep taking your medication as well.

  • What’s up to every body, it’s my first visit of this webpage; this
    webpage consists of remarkable and actually fine material designed forr readers.

What’s up to your body too! I agree that this website contains some remarkable and actually fine material. But, I’ll have you know I have more than forr readers, more than fyvve possibly – if I count you…

  •  Noten is in favor of some cool sense, while Lauren is fond of the retro with the aristocratic.In the street, many people also fall in love with the glasses. Almost of them will be so cool and attractive by following the simple style and wearing the classic glasses.

Uh – yeah, I guess so. Give my regards to Lauren and Noten.

  •  When the whole world is full of Ray-Ban girls and boys, if you want to show the personality, the round-framed sunglasses are a good choice. They keep pace with the retro fashion at present, and look very funny, or they can achieve the effect of changing the wood.

I couldn’t agree more – it’s Ray-Bans for me every time! They’re the only option – next time I want to change my wood…

  • Lichtung upper structure, the middle of woven hollow-like, similar to modern sandals. 187 Astana tomb of the “Go Ladies” in a few maid also wore one of these hemp shoes, hemp shoes, the Tang Dynasty that people generally wear shoes.

Thanks for the tip – I’ll definitely consider wearing hemp sandals, if I ever go and visit the tomb of the Tang Dynasty Go Ladies”. I reckon, they’d also go very well with my Ray-Bans, when I’m changing my wood too. Surprisingly, I’ve noticed that people generally wear shoes – even today  – go figure…

  • Ӏf ѕome oone needs to Ьe updated ѡith most սp-to-date
    technologies afterward Һe must be visit this
    web paǥe and bbe սp too date every day.

Rright-oon broothér! What a fantastically astute observation. I’m so glad you posted this comment on my article on writing Limericks – pure genius – But then again, it’s probably because yoou must bbe soo up too date with updated technologies.

  •  Aw, this was a really good post. Finding the time and actual effort to generate a superb and informative article… but what can I say… I put things off a whole lot and don’t seem to get nearly anything done.

Well shame on you! – you filthy procrastinator! Though in all fairness, you seem to have found plenty of time and dedicated outstanding amounts of effort to posting spam comments. So, it’s not nearly as gloomy as you make it seem. By the way, your SPAM would’ve been more convincing if you hadn’t referred to  a poem about picking up dog sh*t as a “superb and informative article…”

There’s a definite fashion/glasses theme to the majority of these and the scores of other SPAM comments I’ve received. Perhaps, this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to get my eyes tested and invest in a new wardrobe.

Anyhow, hope you have a good weekend and may the Muse be with you.

Posted in About, humor, humour, Readers Writes | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Test-Card Doodlebug

TestCard-Life

There will now follow a temporary interruption to the broadcasting of this blog.

Normal service will be resumed shortly.

The fact is, I’m taking some time to concentrate on completing and publishing 21st Century Verse. So, I won’t be around to respond to any comments etc for a little while.  But, I’ve taken the liberty to schedule some posts anyway. So, with any luck, you won’t actually notice much difference – even with nobody at the helm. Modern technology can be a wonderful thing…

Have a good weekend folks and may the Muse be with you.

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Office-Fever (a parody of Sea-Fever by John Masefield)

Office-Fever a parody of John Masefield's sea-Fever

I must get back to my desk again, this lunchtime has flown by,
And all I ask is that if I’m late, I won’t catch the boss’s eye;
And if I’m ill and white as a sail with limbs and body shaking,
And I call in sick (third time this month), my boss won’t think I’m faking.

I must get back to my desk again, and complete my tasks with pride.
Because if I don’t, I’m pretty sure my leave request will be denied;
And all I ask is that someday it’s acknowledged I’ve been trying,
And I get the promotion for which Smith and Jones are vying.

I must get back to my desk again, to the constant corporate strife,
I hope and pray my meagre pay can feed my obese kids and wife;
And all I ask is that today, the damned printer won’t keel-over,
And that retirement comes swiftly, so this nightmare can be over.

This here is my attempt at a comic poem about modern office-life/career. If you think you can do better, I’d love to read your work (email it to me: submissions@tap-p.com). You never know, your poem could end up in 21st century Verse. But you’ll have to be quick, as the doors close for submissions after this weekend.

May the MUSE be with you…

DV

Posted in Comic Verse, Funny Poetry, humor, humour, parody, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment